Richard Wright

If you are a person who would check the box next to the word “White” for your ethnicity on an application or census form, I have a question for you. How many books have you read or listened to that detail the life of a person of color? I feel some shame at the fact that only recently have I started exploring that blindspot in more detail. Back in November, I finished Richard Wright’s Black Boy. I almost couldn’t stop listening to it. Memoirs are often fascinating, but in this one, Richard describes in great detail his outer and inner life from early childhood to adulthood in the early 1900s. His growing up in a strict household with an ailing mother, hunger, and poverty, all the way through into his teenage and young adult life. As he got older, he described having more contact with white people in the south, and how he had to navigate and learn how not to get killed. I know that I will probably never understand what it’s like to have that fear every time I go out into the world. That I might look at someone wrong or say something they think is inappropriate, or really not be doing anything at all, just trying to live a good life, and end up beaten or killed without much consideration. The way he was treated was just horrendous.

It’s so incredibly frustrating to hear people question the basic spirit of the black lives matter movement, without trying to understand or take into consideration the hundreds of years of oppression, degradation, beatings, and killings these people endured at the hands of someone who might have looked just like me. I didn’t create that world and I would like to think I haven’t directly contributed to it in my lifetime, but I also don’t feel like I’ve done much to mend those deep wounds if that’s even possible. For most of my life, I’ve claimed to be a-political and was awoken to the reality that it’s a very convenient and privileged position for a straight white man to take because he doesn’t have a lot of things that he needs to fight for or against compared with others. All doors are open, there are no limits, and there’s no legacy of not being treated like a human being. If you are someone like me, do yourself a favor and read and listen to these voices and learn about this history.


What was it that made the hate of whites for blacks so steady? Seemingly so woven into the texture of things. What kind of life was possible under that hate. How had this hate come to be?
— Richard Wright - Black Boy

12 Years a Slave
By Solomon Northup
Up From Slavery
By Washington, Booker T.
I hungered for books. New ways of looking and seeing. It wasn’t a matter of believing or disbelieving what I read, but of feeling something new, of being affected by something that made the look of the world different.
— Richard Wright - Black Boy

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Kitchen Confidential

It’s both exciting and daunting to think about all there is to discover and experience in the world. All of the different people, places, and realities that exist. And in any minute of any day, with access to the world at your fingertips, you can come across so many new things. Billions of people with unique lives, so unlike our own. As much as I enjoy other types of books, I feel autobiographies and memoirs give a special glimpse into the mind and experiences of someone very different from myself.

This is the case with Anthony Bourdain. He is famous, and I had of course heard of him and had seen advertisements for his many series about food and travel. But I’ve never watched an episode he’s hosted, and really knew little about him. He ended his life a few years ago, which is so tragic. Searching the available audiobooks at my library through the Libby app, I came across Kitchen Confidential. Why not try to learn about a person and world I know nothing about? The book was short enough to finish during one delivery shift, a length that I enjoy and mostly prefer.

What an entertaining and eye-opening book! How many times have I been to a restaurant, without giving much of a thought to the lives of those who make it all possible? No doubt Anthony’s take on the behind the scenes reality that he experienced is not everyone’s story. The drugs, drinking, foul language, sex, theft, mob connections, and all other forms of dysfunction, were fairly shocking and eye-opening. But there was also the love of food, and I think that impressed me most.

As I was listening I just kept thinking, what a naive and sheltered life I’ve led. But then maybe most people who have not consumed mountains of drugs, or risked their lives confronting a mob boss, would feel the same way. I’m probably being too hard on myself as usual. My life has not been boring, but Anthony definitely seems to have lived a life beyond the edges, and there is something curious and appealing about that. Especially for someone who has mostly played it safe, with a lot of fear and risk aversion. I’m grateful he shared a peek into this other world and life, and I’m inspired to listen to more memoirs and autobiographies to help expand my understanding and compassion for people in all their variety.



My love for chaos, conspiracy and the dark side of human nature colors the behavior of my charges, most of whom are already living near the fringes of acceptable conduct.
— Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential

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A Year Of Daring Greatly?

Give me the courage to show up, and let myself be seen.
— Brené Brown

The last book I listened to in 2020 was Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. I’m a fan of her work and was first impacted by her very famous Ted Talk from 10 years ago, The Power of Vulnerability. Since that first video, I have thought often about vulnerability and my relationship with it. As much as I might think that I want to be more vulnerable in all aspects of my life, consciously or unconsciously it seems that’s easier said than done. Allowing yourself to be fully seen, warts and all is very hard for someone who often fears rejection and criticism, and who wants to be seen as strong, right, and competent. Luckily the book shares some approaches and strategies to work on that. The trick is the discipline to follow through!

Brené narrates the book herself. It was an enjoyable listen, and I found the distillation of her work on vulnerability to be helpful, and an inspiration towards my continued intentions to grow and figure out how to be a more open person.

She says, “We judge people in areas where we are vulnerable to shame. We’re hard on each other because we are using each other as a launching pad out of our own shame.” I believe this quote speaks to a truth I figured out years ago. Whenever something bothers me about someone else, 9 out of 10 times, it is something that I don’t like about myself. So if I personally feel shame about that thing, then I will judge others and be triggered by its manifestation in someone else. For myself, that shame triggers outward negativity, until I stop and take a hard look at its origin. It surprises me how this connection is almost always the source of my angst.

The other quote from the book that resonated with me is this one. “Perfection is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid and minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” It sure seems like perfection is common in a lot of people, and I doubt it ever leads to happiness or contentment. If being perfect is all about how others perceive you and your actions, then likely you are giving your power away, and are mainly reliant on outside validation for your self-worth.

Brené admits that she has struggled a lot with these issues, even with all that she knows and has studied and learned. It’s not an easy journey but it is the right one for me. I’ll be giving this book another pass, and hope that this year will be one filled with less judgment and shame, and more vulnerability, love, joy, and acceptance.


Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions, ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching?
— Brené Brown

Courtesy of Brené’s website.

Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.
— Brené Brown

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Onion Creek Greenbelt


Back in the fall of 2013 and in 2014, there were floods that made many of the 70’s era homes in the Onion Creek neighborhood of Austin unlivable. The city bought out many of them and they were demolished. Visiting these abandoned streets now feels quite odd. You can tell there used to be homes and people living there, but the traces are left merely to rows of useless driveways leading only to grassy fields and trees, strewn garbage, and other artifacts of some distant human presence. It’s striking that it is so easy to wipe almost clean a place lived in for decades.

After discovering that McKinney Falls was not accepting any more visitors because of limited capacity in the park, a friend and I decided to visit the Onion Creek Greenbelt. Neither of us had ever explored it. The GPS directed us to a spot at the back of this abandoned neighborhood. There was no obvious entrance to the greenbelt, so we walked down the eerie house-less streets in search of a way onto the trails. Eventually, we just pushed our way through a wall of spiny overgrowth at the back of someone’s former back yard and meandered for a while along many unused paths. When we started seeing people and dogs we knew we had found the main trail system.

What we were not expecting to find was a huge collection of old abandoned metal and concrete pipes strewn about the landscape in one area. They look quite old and possibly dislodged from underground during a flood some years ago. The discovery and timing were perfect, as the sun was starting to set, entering the golden hour. The shadows were getting longer, with the sun approaching the horizon, and the light quality was becoming somewhat softer and warmer. My friend and I both love ruins photography, abstraction, and composing the chaos and melding of nature and the man-made. Some of the collections of pipes and their intriguing accessory parts seemed to be like the ruins of an ancient temple. The kid in me felt kind of like an archeologist, finding a lost civilization in the jungle. But also like an artist attempting to create something new from what is at hand. A playful act of looking and seeking something visually appealing or interesting in the often overlooked. Here are some of my favorites from the hike. Nothing mind-blowing, but a fun exercise in a new creative environment full of potential.



New DUCKblind Podcast Episode


Renee and Jill recording the interview.

Renee and Jill recording the interview.

In addition to producing a show for Austin Enneagram, I also every month or so, record an interview for Jill at grayDUCK Gallery, here in Austin, TX. The episodes are to help promote the current exhibition and give people who have already seen the show or who want to visit the gallery, some extra context, and info about the art and artists. As with the other shows I produce, I capture the interview, edit and add music, write and organize the descriptions, and make sure it is published correctly to all platforms. With both shows, I also created the cover art and take pictures during the recordings for social media promotion.

This interview is with artist Renee Lai, talking about her exhibition A Study Of Fences. Have a listen with the player above, and be sure to make an appointment to see the exhibition in person if you are in Austin!

Renee Lai | A Study of Fences

  • grayDUCK Gallery

  • Exhibition dates: January 8 - February 7, 2021

  • Gallery Hours by appointment



Art Collecting Stories

Collecting art is one of my favorite things to do. My most meaningful pieces have come from friends and artists I’ve worked or connected with in a personal way. When I look at each piece of art in my collection I see its visual impact and physical attributes, but then there is also my memory of how I acquired it and the joy of the relationship with its creator.

Almost as enjoyable is the search for lost or unnoticed art treasures waiting patiently to be rescued from a thrift store or estate sale. In years past I made a point to visit stores and sales weekly in search of artworks that might be valuable or a nice addition to my collection. When Goodwill was still doing auctions, allowing people to bid on their nicest donations every Saturday, I would scout the offerings ahead of time and research anything that looked promising. I’ve developed a pretty good eye for original and unique pieces.

One of my favorite stories is of a painting of a rural scene with trees and a colorful house and fence. That stood out as an interesting choice by the artist. It was in a Goodwill auction, but the starting price I felt was too high. It would be nice to have but I wasn’t totally sure. So I let the auction pass and said that if that evening I went into the store and it was discounted and on the sales floor after no bids, I would buy it.

The painting was found in a bin waiting to be shelved post auction, at a cheaper price, so I happily bought it. After researching the signature I discovered that the artist lived in San Angelo, Texas. I gave him a call and he said he would be happy to meet with me. Later that year on my way to Marfa for my 40th birthday, I made a detour to see Mr. Hugh Campbell III. We had a very nice visit. I was thrilled to have made such a connection, but I don’t think Hugh was thrilled that one of his paintings ended up in a Goodwill. He didn’t remember that specific piece but was glad that I liked it and that I decided to rescue it and hang it on my wall.

His website is not working so I am not sure if he is still around or not. But I am very thankful that a bit of synchronicity at a thrift store connected me to him and that we got to meet.

Painting from 1996 by Hugh Campbell III, found at goodwill.


The Church of the Savior on Spilled Blood in Saint Petersburg, Russia

A Second Story - The painting you see here of The Church of the Savior on Spilled Blood in Saint Petersburg, Russia, I found at an estate sale on the last day when everything was half off. Seems it was overlooked because there appeared to be damaged, but I was able to tell that the glass in the frame just made it look that way. It’s an approx 8”x12” pristine watercolor, possibly with gouache accents. The fun part was trying to figure out what it was a painting of and then getting to learn all about the history of this gorgeous structure. The artist is unknown so there is still more to the mystery. I put the painting in a better frame with museum glass and I just love it. And I got to discover a new place to visit someday.


San Angelo artist Mr Hugh Campbell III, posing in his studio back in 2014. I had not put this panorama together before today. It’s 5 photos stitched together.


A Few Intentions To Start 2021

Photo of me in San Antonio at the Hotel Emma at the Pearl.

Photo of me in San Antonio at the Hotel Emma at the Pearl.

Looking into and optimistic future.

Looking into and optimistic future.

This is not a full list, but I thought I would share a few of my goals and intentions for this year. The list will evolve as the year progresses, but it’s a good place to start. I wish you all a prosperous and fulfilling year!

  • Be more kind, open, joyful, playful, and patient.

  • Keep cultivating awareness of my thoughts and emotions, and in each instance dig down to the root cause of any distress to understand myself better. Seek a peaceful and calm mind that is not easily triggered or victimized by other’s actions.

  • Dare greatly to be more vulnerable and live a wholehearted life.

  • Be consistent with my morning routine

  • Ideally, eat only when I am hungry and do not over eat. Moderation. Avoid emotional eating and seek awareness of what I am trying to suppress or avoid with food. Redirect to healthier outlets such as exercise, mediation, or journaling. Say a prayer of gratitude before meals and eat as mindfully as possible.

  • Work on cooking skills and practice. Eat healthy whole foods.

  • Exercise consistently to avoid more back problems and to work on strength, stamina, and stability.

  • Practice Spanish every day.

  • Keep reading and listening to books, 100-200 a year.

  • Pursue a business producing podcasts for others.

  • Consistently produce my own podcasts.

  • Watch for the tendency to look for happiness outside of myself. Cultivate self-compassion, love, and acceptance.

  • Find a long term partner for a serious relationship. Someone kind, intelligent, joyful, open, passionate, secure, and grounded.

  • Be a better friend and a better listener.

  • Journal every day and work on becoming a better writer.

  • Don’t act or think like a victim. Take 100% responsibility for my life circumstances and all of my words and actions.


Body Standards Rant

Here in Austin near the corner of 12th and Lamar, is a billboard for Westlake Dermatology. It has been there for years, and I have passed it many times. The specific image or advertisement has changed occasionally but the main message as far as I can interpret has not. The standard for women is that they should look like any young model who has a “perfect body and skin.” It even says in the bottom left corner of the images on their billboards and website the word “Model.” Not one of their happy customers, just an image and a standard for the viewer to judge themselves against, and somehow also the effectiveness of the services offered. Has this model had Smartlipo? I suspect not but who knows.

Obviously, every person has a right to do what they want with their bodies. And men, in particular, should not be dictating that in any way to women. No doubt there are some good people working for this company, who want to help and do the right thing. There are services that they offer that are very relevant to healthy aging and legitimate medical issues.


The billboard near 12th & Lamar southbound.

But using images of young models to advertise plastic surgery procedures, especially those related to weight loss is just wrong. It’s a perpetuation of the unfair beauty standards that have been imposed on women for decades. These billboards are all over town, and every time I see one I feel sad and disappointed. Life is hard enough, and then maybe you’re an older person who sees this billboard and thinks, I need to look like that model. I need to spend thousands of dollars so I can stay young and relevant, so that I can look as perfect as possible for as long as possible, so I will be loved and not be rejected or discarded by society.

I’m not saying I have anything figured out. As a man, I am not immune to similar messaging aimed towards men. I have my own body image issues and struggle with food and exercise and being way too critical of my body. And I know I have been affected by the same advertisements my whole life, and likely am attracted to certain women partially because of how I’ve been trained. My disappointment with these kinds of manipulations might not have any easy solution. I just had to get it off my chest.

Find Your Artistic Voice

Books that you can listen to in less than 3-4 hours I think are ideal. When a book looks interesting and I find out it is 20+ hours long, it feels daunting, and often I will skip it unless it is very well written and expertly and enjoyably narrated. Sometimes while listening to long books I get the feeling that they could have been made shorter. But I have never written a book so who knows how long mine would be. Some of them are worth an extended time. The short ones do add up faster, and that feels good.

Find Your Artistic Voice by Lisa Congdon is a good short length, around 4 hours, and when you listen at 1.3x or 1.4x it goes even faster. I’ve found when I put books on normal speed after getting used to the faster progress, it sounds like it has been slowed down to a slow-mo pace.

Some of the advice that Lisa shares is common sense, and things I have heard before. Not surprising since I have a podcast interviewing artists. The great thing about this book though is having all of those ideas and thoughts condensed into one place where they can be read and heard in a short amount of time. For me, the best part of the book is the short interviews with specific artists, about their work and artistic voices. For the new artist, it could be a great guide and for the seasoned artist, it could be a nice reminder with a few new ideas thrown in.

It’s definitely worth a listen or grab a physical copy to peruse at your leisure. The benefit of a physical copy is all of Lisa’s fun artwork throughout the book and the very satisfying graphic design of the layout.

Here is also a short interview with Lisa talking about artistic voice and a link to more info about her and other podcast appearances.


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Dave McClinton


God Mother, 2020  Digital Collage  36 x 24 in  by Dave McClinton

God Mother, 2020 Digital Collage 36 x 24 in by Dave McClinton

A little over a year ago I interviewed artist Dave McClinton on my Austin Art Talk podcast. His work aims to tell stories, start hard conversations, and help visually define current and historical black identity and inner life. I admit I was nervous about having that conversation. Thankfully it went very well and is still one of my favorites. Dave generously answered all of my questions and I feel like I am a better person for having had that talk. More conversations like it are definitely needed.

Below is a quote from the interview, a player to listen to it, and the information and statement pertaining to his exhibition at Ivester Contemporary that I just photographed.

The things that I think people don’t understand or misunderstand about me is that sometimes when I’m hanging out with friends or hanging out with piers, I can’t help but make a joke or a comment about race. Because it is literally always there. It’s just always there. It’s an odd thing to constantly have that in your face all of the time. It’s heavy. I think it’s why black men die sooner than everyone else. That psychological weight is always there. And sometimes I wish I could explain to my friends what that’s like. I wish there was a way to convey to people, and maybe that’s what I am trying to do with the art, what that constant pressure feels like, because it is literally constant
— Dave McClinton - Austin Art Talk interview

Ivester contemporary - MAIN EXHIBITION SPACE

Absolute Relativism

New Work by Dave McClinton
December 5 - January 9
Reception to be held from 7pm - 10pm on December 5

Ivester Contemporary is proud to present Absolute Relativism, a solo exhibition by Austin based artist Dave McClinton. This exhibition represents a continuation of the artist’s Black Life series, an ongoing project which began in 2015 and aims to illustrate the inner life-cycle of Black people in America. McClinton’s single edition digital collages focus on the bodies and portraits of Black people embellished with textures of foundational elements, symbols related to trade and status, as well as text from historical documents derived directly from America’s long and lingering history of slavery and white supremacism.

McClinton’s work boldly initiates and engages with the realities of being Black in America. The artist encourages his viewers to acknowledge and empathize with the pain inflicted upon Black people over the course of the history of America and also to admire the power, pride, and righteousness shown despite. McClinton illustrates that no matter the realities cast upon their backgrounds and bodies; the figures depicted in his work are defiant, never ashamed.


Woman

(For the other half of the sky)

Woman, I can hardly express
My mixed emotions and my thoughtlessness
After all, I'm forever in your debt
And woman, I will try to express
My inner feelings and thankfulness
For showing me the meaning of success

Ooh, well, well
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Ooh, well, well
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

Woman, I know you understand
The little child inside the man
Please remember my life is in your hands
And woman hold me close to your heart
However distant don't keep us apart
After all it is written in the stars

Woman please let me explain
I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain
So let me tell you again and again and again

I love you, yeah, yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah, yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah, yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah, yeah

I’ve always liked this Lennon tune, and heard it again for the first time in a long while, the other day on Spotify. It would be easy I suppose to assume this is just a tribute to Yoko Ono, but I read that John also considered it a tribute to women in general. Listening more closely to the lyrics, I had a feeling that he was not just speaking to one particular woman.

The song made me think about the gratitude I feel for women, broadly and specifically.

The fact that we are here at all is thanks to all of the amazingly strong women who over generations have carried us for months and risked their lives to birth and nurture us.

I’m grateful to all of the caring and intelligent women I have had romantic relationships with. Some of them have hurt me and some of them I have hurt. Some I am still friends with, and some, after being so close, I will never see again.

We are successful because of women on many levels, and they deserve to be treated equally and to have all the same privileges and rights granted to men. Now and forever.


The Tao Of Pooh

This photo was in one of the many albums that I looked through while visiting my aunt in Florida for Thanksgiving. Digital photography has made albums with 4x6 prints seem to me like they are from another time. Luckily you can still sometimes find them stored in dusty cabinets, waiting for hands and eyes to revive their memories. Reminiscing while flipping the pages of an old album always brings a smile to my face.

From the looks of the carpet and decor, I was standing in my grandparent’s living room in New Alexandria, PA. It’s a very small town that I would come to know much better when a few years after this particular Christmas, my parents got a divorce, and I spent the next seven years visiting over the summer school break. Whenever I am in Pennsylvania visiting my great aunt, I make a point to drive by the old house and think about all of the time I spent there with Bob and Grace.

The book I am holding in the photo does not look familiar, but it did make me think about another book, The Tao of Pooh. It was available immediately from the library so I gave it a listen. The author uses lines from the original Milne texts and the various characters and relates them to a description of Taoism. According to a summary of the book on Wikipedia, “Winnie-the-Pooh himself, personifies the principles of wu wei, the Taoist concept of "effortless doing," and p'u, the concept of being open to, but unburdened by, experience, and it is also a metaphor for natural human nature.” I appreciate the connection but overall the book was not that enjoyable of a listen, and even felt annoying at times.

Even though I did not love it, there are still some good lines that I liked. Hoff in this quote below is talking about the contrast between the empty and overstuffed mind. He’s definitely a fan of simplicity and “the path to nothing” and states at the end of the book that knowledge and cleverness are a path to destruction. I’m not sure what to think about that.

While the clear mind listens to a bird singing, the stuffed full of knowledge and cleverness mind wonders what kind of bird is singing. The more stuffed up it is, the less it can hear through its own ears and see through its own eyes. Knowledge and cleverness tend to concern themselves with the wrong sorts of things. And a mind confused by knowledge, cleverness, and abstract ideas, tends to go chasing off after things that don’t matter. Or that don’t even exist, instead of seeing, appreciating, and making use of what is right in front of it.
— The Tao Of Pooh

FullSizeRender.jpeg
The Tao of Pooh
By Hoff, Benjamin

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I Picked You A Flower-Orange Roses

I Picked You A Flower is a group exhibition I participated in at the beginning of 2020. Refer to my December 19th post for details. Inspired by the theme of the exhibition and my love of plants and color, I focused on the tradition of using flowers to communicate, and the specific meanings attributed to them. One of my first ideas with this flower was the classic and melodramatic image of the passionate tango dancer with a rose in their mouth. A cliche possibly started in an old Rudolph Valentino movie. My thought was why not instead use a small bunch of roses to push it to an extreme. To somehow illustrate the themes of uncontrolled animal passion, drama, pain, and on the other side of that, the peace and beauty of death.


“It is the flower of desire and forgiveness. To give away when you want to let people know that you are willing conquer everything and orange roses are just the beginning of a long and passionate courtship.”

Daphne & Cloe. Language and meaning of flowers. Edizioni R.E.I., 2017.


I Picked You A Flower-Yellow Chrysanthemums

I Picked You A Flower is a group exhibition I participated in at the beginning of 2020. Refer to my December 19th post for details. Inspired by the theme of the exhibition and my love of plants and color, I focused on the tradition of using flowers to communicate, and the specific meanings attributed to them. These images with Yellow Chrysanthemums were inspired by the three sources below. Out of the whole series, these are the hardest images to share and feel the most raw and vulnerable.

“Slighted love, . . . . . Chrysanthemum, yellow.”

Wirt, Elizabeth Washington. Flora’s Dictionary. F. Lucas, 1832.

“What seemed to be a promising courtship finished on a second date, when the young Englishman presented the Ukrainian girl with eight yellow chrysanthemums. What he didn’t know was that an even number of flowers (often chrysanthemums or lilies) is for funerals only, and that yellow is the color of farewell. The girl saw the flowers as a sign that the new relationship was over”

Shevchenko, Anna. Ukraine - Culture Smart!: The Essential Guide to Customs & Culture. Kuperard, 2012.

“Flowers are often used as a symbol of femininity. John Steinbeck's short story "The Chrysanthemums" centers around the yellow florets, which are often associated with optimism and lost love. When the protagonist, Elisa, finds her beloved chrysanthemums tossed on the ground, her hobby and womanhood have been ruined; this suffices the themes of lost appreciation and femininity in Steinbeck's work.”

Wikipedia contributors. (2020, January 17). Language of flowers. In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 19:20, Jan 28, 2020