The 5 Love Languages

“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.

That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction — the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the in-love experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.”
— Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages
“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”
— Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch. I’ve been aware of this list for many years but never fully read the book or tried that hard to implement the intelligence of this approach to my past relationships in an intentional way. I’m impressed by Dr. Chapman and what he was able to figure out after years of counseling couples. Essentially everyone interprets and takes in love from others in their own way. If you can figure out what your partner’s primary love languages are it will go a very long way towards making sure they are feeling fulfilled and safe in the relationship.

You can take a quiz on the official website and it’s nice because they give you the results without requiring your email like some other test/quiz sites. Here are my results below. Seems fairly true. I do often feel much better after getting verbal confirmation of where I stand with people, especially after being in a black hole of no information for too long. You know, the kind of mental and emotional limbo where a lot of negative stories are created. If I get the words along with the quality time and physical touch I’m golden. Gifts and acts of service do not mean nearly as much to me to receive, but it’s interesting I do enjoy sharing those very much.

I’m looking forward to including this approach next time around. I’d recommend you at least familiarize yourself with the basics and pay attention to what you need for yourself and observe what someone else might need the most. Very often in his practice, it seems Gary was able to save many relationships using this framework.

My results from the 5 Love Languages quiz.

Thanks to Fiercemarriage.com for making this nice graphic based on Dr.Chapman’s work and book.

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Making Up Stories

Tim Ferriss mentioned on a recent podcast episode, a communication technique that he learned from his girlfriend, that I think could be valuable. He also mentioned Nonviolent Communication and the audio program I’ve included in this post is an excellent introduction.

The way I understood it, if you are feeling some tension in a relationship and you want to share your anxious thoughts and feelings without putting the other person on the defensive you could say, “The story I am making up in my head is_____, and when I believe that thought I feel_____.”

This seems like a smart way to express the often negative and paranoid interpretations we all have of events and people’s actions, without going as far as accusing someone of something that could all be in your head. I find that the majority of the stories I create about others in relation to me are completely off base and are in the end a waste of energy. If you can hold off on making assumptions and get more info before forming a judgment and somehow avoid getting triggered that is even better.

“All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently, those people deserve to be punished.”
— Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

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Yes,And

This post will be a compilation of a bunch of thoughts and connections I am trying to make, in my ongoing quest to be more aware of myself, figure out how to move past my limitations, find more peace and joy, and add value to the world, or at least reduce the amount of suffering. I definitely don’t think too much! I’ll try to make this short but there is a lot to say.

If you are a fan of Bill Murray, you’ve probably heard the stories of him showing up at parties, or inserting himself into people’s lives for a few minutes or hours, injecting a lot of joy, laughter, and presence into any situation. The documentary I have included in this post is about exactly that. The director Tommy Avallone chases down the validity of the stories and Bill himself, and eventually through interviews in many different cities, compiles snippets of the life philosophy that likely drives Mr. Murray to do what he does. As Bill states in one interview, he’d “like to see how long he can last at being really here, you know really in it, really alive and in the moment.”

A possible origin of Bill’s attitude, surmised in the doc, is his years of doing improv. One tenet or rule of most improv schools is the Yes, And. When you are improvising a scene in front of an audience, there is much more potential to entertain and create momentum if you agree and build on what others suggest, as opposed to negating it and sticking with your own direction and ideas. It’s about being creative in the moment and open to any possibility.

When living in NYC I took a few improv classes at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade theater and did perform at the end of one class, on the main stage. It was a ton of fun. While studying I frequented the theater and saw dozens of live improv shows. I’ve probably never laughed harder in my life, before or since. And through the classes and watching the pros perform, I learned about this Yes, And approach. And now there are books that have turned that improv lesson into an approach to living life. You open up and say yes to what comes your way, and you add something positive to it moving the narrative forward in an exciting and unpredictable way.

The Bill Murray Stories: Life Lessons Learned From a Mythical Man
Starring Joel Murray, Peter Farrelly, Gavin Edwards, David Allen, Jordan Goetz

A good friend gave me some valuable feedback recently. She said most of the time when I greet her I don’t smile or seem very excited about the meeting. It’s so valuable to get these honest reflections, giving you a perspective outside of yourself. What she said made me realize how much I’m like my dad, often stoic, serious, and hard to read. That is just not how I want to be and that is not the energy I want to bring into the world. It’s very likely a way that I believe I’m protecting myself from criticism and rejection, trying not to be open and vulnerable to the world. It’s the opposite of Yes, And. It’s shut down and don’t be seen. And it’s the opposite of reality. The more vulnerable people get, from what I’ve seen, the more powerful they are. If you’ve ever witnessed someone fully open up and share their pain and truth, it’s very moving and impressive. You see great strength and courage.

Tim Ferriss, whose podcast I like very much, recently stated one of his goals for 2021 was to be more playful and mischievous, in a fun and positive way. Sounds like Bill Murray. I as well have a desire to be less rigid, with fewer limiting beliefs and limiting stories about who I am and what is possible. More playful and open. The source escapes me, but something else I heard last week that fits in with these intentions is the idea of making whoever is in front of you the most important person. Being truly present to the moment with whoever and whatever you are engaging with. There is also this practice of saying in your head or out loud when you meet someone, “I’m so happy to see you!” You make a practice of generating and exuding excitement for people and for life. So what does all that I’ve said here add up to? Like Bill says, his goal is to be in life, and in the moment. For me, all of this points to Yes, And-ing more moments, to creating an open and engaged life, appreciating and connecting with others, and gratitude for this opportunity to exist right now. I’m not saying it’s easy or even possible to make every moment count and always be present, but I do think it’s a good intention to have.

“Be available for life to happen.”
— Bill Murray

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