“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.
That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction — the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the in-love experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.”
“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”
The 5 Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch. I’ve been aware of this list for many years but never fully read the book or tried that hard to implement the intelligence of this approach to my past relationships in an intentional way. I’m impressed by Dr. Chapman and what he was able to figure out after years of counseling couples. Essentially everyone interprets and takes in love from others in their own way. If you can figure out what your partner’s primary love languages are it will go a very long way towards making sure they are feeling fulfilled and safe in the relationship.
You can take a quiz on the official website and it’s nice because they give you the results without requiring your email like some other test/quiz sites. Here are my results below. Seems fairly true. I do often feel much better after getting verbal confirmation of where I stand with people, especially after being in a black hole of no information for too long. You know, the kind of mental and emotional limbo where a lot of negative stories are created. If I get the words along with the quality time and physical touch I’m golden. Gifts and acts of service do not mean nearly as much to me to receive, but it’s interesting I do enjoy sharing those very much.
I’m looking forward to including this approach next time around. I’d recommend you at least familiarize yourself with the basics and pay attention to what you need for yourself and observe what someone else might need the most. Very often in his practice, it seems Gary was able to save many relationships using this framework.
My results from the 5 Love Languages quiz.
Thanks to Fiercemarriage.com for making this nice graphic based on Dr.Chapman’s work and book.
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